Days 275–380: the first liverversary and mummy wobbles

Two weeks ago, on 5th June, we celebrated the best milestone of this whole liver journey so far – Hugo’s first liver transplant birthday! I remember the disbelief I felt when we’d reached nine months post-transplant, so you can imagine the emotion that came with the first liverversary. I managed to hold it together for a little family party in the morning, but once we’d got back home it hit me and there were more than a few tears shed – happy ones, of course.

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What a difference a year makes!

It still sends shivers down my spine, to be honest with you; how Ross gave what remains to me to be the most heroic, loving and generous gift anyone can give in life – the gift of life – to our son, and how lucky we really are, in spite of the blips and bumps we are still experiencing, to all be here and living life together. That feeling of awe of what he did, and the joy of watching his unbreakable bond with Hugo, brings me happiness every day.

In the last three months, life has been hurtling past us. Mainly because Hugo is now hurtling past us; not only has our boy learnt to walk, he is now running around. All the time. Proud doesn’t even come close to the feeling we get when we watch him running around the park, bending down to smell flowers and chasing his ball around. It’s incredible. He has also, almost overnight, developed a total obsession for anything round or with wheels; now, rather than our flat being overrun with all things monkey, we are contending with trains, cars and tracks. He’s taken that momentous step from baby to toddler – you know, the one that makes you burst with pride while also suddenly and simultaneously realising, with a tinge of sadness, that your baby is growing up way too fast. And of course, part and parcel of toddlerdom is the tantrum, which Hugo is most certainly trying on for size now. He knows what he wants (normally Peppa Pig or chocolate), and if he doesn’t get it – especially when he shouts ‘TA’ at us (we can’t fault him for being polite at such a young age, although it makes it much harder for us to stick to our guns and enforce ‘no’) – he can activate Major Meltdown Mode at the drop of a hat. Although it is undoubtedly hard work, I’m also quietly a bit pleased that we have a son confident enough to be a bit headstrong, and – let’s be honest – that we’re experiencing the normal, shitty parts of parenthood as well.

The funny thing is, even though life in general has been getting better by the week, in the last few months I think I’ve actually suffered more mummy wobbles than I did during most of his first 18 months. Before Hugo’s diagnosis, I was a completely stereotypical new mum, obsessing about every decision and scared that I wasn’t doing right by him. Then, of course, everything got taken out of our hands and our focus shifted to just getting him through, getting him the treatment he needed to get him home again. In that time, I didn’t really have much of a chance to over-think our parenting methods or choices, and I kind of thought that once we were through the experience I would inherently have the confidence or perspective not to worry like that any more. Well, I was wrong – it turns out that even surviving the storm we have doesn’t give you any immunity to the fears that existed before; even though I can see how well he is doing, and despite the fact that I know there is a much bigger picture to consider with Hugo, I still find myself worrying that I’m failing him somehow.

Whether it’s his diet (my major obsession), his physical milestones or his speech, I seem to be able to find something to worry about on a regular basis. I know in the rational part of my brain that Hugo actually has a quite good and varied diet – he eats loads of fruit, a fair amount of veggies, home cooked curries and broccoli muffins – but I still feel guilty that we buy him Ella’s Kitchen meals, and feed him waffles and nuggets. I know I shouldn’t, but I take it personally that some other kids of his age will eat everything and he doesn’t; I was so determined when he was born that he wouldn’t be fussy, so the fact that he is a bit makes me feel like I’ve failed, even though I know it’s totally normal. With his physical development, I know deep down that there is nothing to worry about – the fact that he is literally running and climbing everywhere now given he didn’t even have a chance to roll until he was about ten months old speaks for itself. It’s amazing, really. But, rather than delete it, I still worry when I get a generic BabyCentre email telling me what a typical 20-month-old should be doing and see a long list of things that Hugo hasn’t done yet. And even though he shows great levels of understanding, I still find myself focusing on the fact that he doesn’t say more than ten words yet, or that he can’t string a basic sentence together, rather than focusing on what he can do verbally.

I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it. Mummy wobbles don’t listen to logic. In fact, they actively ignore the rational part of the brain. It’s not that I’m not proud of him, because I am – immensely – and it also doesn’t matter that I know all of this stuff is very normal; I just don’t know whether I’m doing enough for him as his mum.

Luckily, I have a new positive force to reckon with – Hugo’s childminder, Emma. Putting him in childcare in the first place was a really nerve-wracking, but positive, step forward for all of us. The first time we went to meet her I mentioned these worries to her, and she set me straight there and then. She told me to focus on what he is doing, not on what he isn’t, because he will develop differently to every other child, liver disease or not. Straight away I knew that she was going to be a great influence on him and me. The fact that she is giving me reassurance from a new and independent place (she had no involvement in Hugo during his illness, and only knows him as the child he is now) has really helped my confidence, and thankfully Hugo absolutely loves going there – he literally can’t get out of my arms and into the playroom quick enough when I drop him off.

My latest guilt is about his Hickman line. The team at King’s weren’t overly keen on taking it out; they wanted it to stay in a bit longer, but we were reaching a stage where he was pulling at it, scratching at the dressing, wanting baths – he just wanted to be free. We discussed it at length and they agreed it was clinically safe enough for it to come out, so in early May, just over a year after it was put in, we finally took the trip back to King’s to get it out. Life without his Hickman has been absolutely bloody brilliant – I never knew how much I would appreciate regular pj’s, and not having to put him in a blasted vest every day! He loves his baths and the paddling pool, although we still haven’t been swimming yet. More than anything, he just likes being nuddy, especially on the rare occasions that the sun gets its hat on and he deems it too warm for clothes! Unfortunately, it also means stabby bloods at hospital again, and the first set we had at QEQM a fortnight ago were really traumatic. And even more unfortunately, one of his liver functions was a bit high (still in range, but above his normal), so King’s have asked for a repeat this week; because his immunosuppression is currently at such a low level, he is at a greater risk of rejection and they have to make sure this isn’t an early sign of it. We then have his routine clinic at the start of July, so that means three sets of stabby bloods in a month, which is not what we’d hoped for. And of course, I’m worrying now that his body is starting to reject the liver, in which case he’ll need IV treatment that will be now be much nastier for him. I feel responsible for putting him through this nastiness, and even though both Ross and I stand by our decision – the improvement in his life makes it worth it overall – it doesn’t mean it’s easy to go back to it.

Having said all of that, I’ve also learned a very valuable lesson in the last few months. To pick my battles. So even though I may worry about that stuff, sometimes on a daily basis, I’m no longer letting myself get to the stage where I’m obsessing; I know that there may well be bigger, tougher battles that we’ll need to face at some point in the future, and I need to save my strength for them. And that in itself feels like a bit of a victory; I doubt any mum really gets away without any mum-guilt in their lives, but the trick is not to let it take over. I think I’ve become quite good at that in the last year, and I’m quite proud of myself for it.

The thing is, for all intents and purposes Hugo is a very happy, content little boy. I can sit there and worry about whether or not we are doing the best thing for him, or making the right choices, but he proves to me every day that we must be. He is learning, developing, laughing and growing into a headstrong, loving, clever little boy. And that (along with the odd glass of wine) is enough to keep me on the sane side of the fence – for now, anyway.

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My boys at the beach on Father’s Day

Days 177–274: happy days!

I don’t know how it happened this quickly, but today Hugo is nine months post transplant. Nine! We can now say that Hugo has officially been ‘healthy’ for longer than he was poorly. I say ‘healthy’ because things aren’t quite settled down yet, but still – how bloody incredible is that?! Incidentally, it’s also just over a year since we were first told that he would need a transplant, and also just over a year since I first published my blog.

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Happy to be nine months post transplant!

It never really occurred to me that it was only just over three months between us being told Hugo needed a new liver and the transplant happening. It certainly didn’t feel like it at the time, but three months is not that long. Obviously, when you’re in the whirlwind of end stage liver disease, every day can feel like a year in itself, but now looking back at how quickly it really happened, it seems completely unreal. We went from having a poorly but stable baby in March, to living in hospital by the end of April on a continuous feed, regular albumin infusions and ascitic taps, with two failed attempts at the transplant in May before it finally happened at the beginning of June. What really strikes me now, though, when looking back, is how calm everything really is at the moment. Sure, things still aren’t completely settled, but it the insane and hellish rollercoaster of last year finally seems well and truly behind us.

There have been various points in the months since Hugo’s transplant that we’ve felt like this. Life begins to take shape again, we start to relax and then something happens that dumps a great bit load of uncertainty and anxiety straight back into the middle of our lives. And even though I know that the bumps over the past few months are really nothing in comparison to what we were fighting before, they can still hurt. Because essentially, all we want is for Hugo to be healthy, to be happy. And at the moment, touching wood, he is.

In fact, he’s doing so well that we’ve got a plan in place again to get his Hickman line out. Of course, there’s a million and one things that could change and prevent this happening again – not to mention Hugo’s tendency to never, ever play by the rules – so we’re not going to get our hopes up too much (unlike last time) but the fact we’ve got a plan in place again is a massive step forward in itself. The last time this was being discussed was back in September, before his EBV became a real issue. Now, though, his bloods all seem to be heading in the right direction – I’m convinced that the new iron supplement he started a month ago is behind the improvement in his results; I don’t think King’s would ever officially agree with me, but given the consequences of anaemia can include low Hb and becoming more prone to infection, it seems to add up. Three weeks after starting the supplement, his Hb and albumin are back to normal, and the EBV is now the lowest it’s been since it first poked its nasty head up last summer. And the other really happy news is that his histology (biopsy) results from last week are now back and are all good. There are some tiny traces of EBV DNA in some of the cells, and a little bit of inflammation in the oesophagus relating to reflux, but most of the results are EBV-negative. They can effectively all but rule out PTLD, which was one of the major reasons the line was being kept in. It feels a little bit like Groundhog Day – they thought they had ruled it out in November, but this time it feels more believable, because this time he actually looks and feels like he really is well. And even though he’s been off his main immunosuppressant since November, his liver function is still amazing. So IF his bloods next week are good, they will be stretched out to monthly. And IF the next set is ok, and his ultrasound and review look good, then they will book him in for the line to come out. He’ll have one more set of bloods before the surgery date, and IF they are stable, then we’re going ahead. They are three great big fat ‘ifs’, but they’re tangible hurdles now rather than a never-ending stretch of not knowing. It’s a better, rather brilliant, place to be.

When we found out at his routine clinic in January that Hugo was anaemic, we did a bit of research about iron and the supplement he was given. Listed among the signs of anemia is lethargy and lack of energy, but he didn’t suffer from either of those things. The thing with Hugo is that, given that he became progressively poorlier from birth up to his transplant at eight months of age, we’ve never had a real gauge for how much energy he should have. He just kind of got on with whatever reserves he had, so every time we’d get on top of one part of his health and he’d improve, we’d kind of assume that we’d reached his optimum. So when King’s tested for the iron levels and asked if he had been lethargic, we said no. Because we really, truly didn’t think that he was – he’s always been so playful, so active, we had no cause to think that.

Well, it turns out we were wrong. So, so wrong. At every stage of his life so far, he has amazed us with his tenacity, his jollity, his sheer strength. Now though, he is Hugo – but powered by rocket fuel.

His physical, cognitive and behavioural development has taken such strides forward that he’s pretty much hitting most of his milestones now, and following the normal patterns of mental leaps –given the obstacles he’s faced in his first 18 months, that blows my mind a bit! He now has some serious pace on him (he is all but running on his hands and knees), and is getting so close to walking; before the iron, he was only just able to pull himself up – and he didn’t enjoy it much at all. Now, he is cruising around the furniture and is taking steps with our help. Things seem to have just clicked into place mentally, almost overnight. He really knows his own mind now – and he certainly knows how to tell us exactly what he wants; he mostly enjoys being upside down, playing hide and seek in his tent and throwing balls all around the flat. He is a real bookworm, and loves cuddling up reading stories with us. He is a master stacker of all toys. He sings, he kisses, he chats, he claps, he cuddles, he climbs, and he laughs – all the time. He’s just incredibly self contained and incredibly happy. He’s also becoming increasingly cheeky and naughty, deliberately disobeying us when we tell him not to do something. He bites us, he throws tantrums and he grinds his teeth. As much as I don’t want a naughty child, even all of this makes me very happy (apart from the teeth grinding. I can’t STAND it). Partly because he has a real cheeky, knowing glint in his eye when he is doing it – we really need to learn to tell him off as he just makes us laugh too much. But mostly, it makes me happy because it is just completely and utterly normal.

These are the kind of things that I expected to happen as a mum. They’re the kind of things that our friends and family experience day to day. It feels like we finally have something they can relate to with Hugo, and us with their kids. That’s what’s really lovely about life at the moment – it feels like we’ve finally got ours back. Yeah, it’s not the same as it was, and we’re still a bit restricted, but our new version of normal is actually bloody great! And we’re slowly starting to relax in terms of what we feel comfortable doing with Hugo – he’s having more play dates (and loving them – he’s a very sociable and friendly little boy), but we’re still avoiding baby groups and soft plays until at least after this flu season. We’ve got a good balance of routine and variety, and Hugo is thriving on it. He’s no longer spending 24 hours a day with me, and although it’d have been nice for him to have missed me just a little bit more when I went back to work in January, it’s been really good for him. Good for both of us, actually – being his mum is the single most amazing, fulfilling job I could ever have, but I totally lost all sense of myself when I was a hospital mum, and it’s nice to have a bit of ‘me’ back now. He absolutely loves spending a couple of days a week with his grandma and having more time with his daddy again, and what’s even better is he’s always really happy to see me when he’s not been with me for the day.

So yeah, life is pretty good right now. This is, without a doubt, the healthiest and happiest Hugo has ever been – and in turn the happiest Ross and I have been, too, in a long time. It’s impossible not to smile when you’re around that little boy – he is just so full of joy and life. I have to keep reminding myself we can’t take this for granted, that there are no guarantees, that we don’t know what may come around the corner; heaven knows we’ve had the rug pulled from beneath us enough times now. But equally, we’ve been through a hell of a lot to get to the stage we’re at now, and I just want to enjoy it while it lasts.

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Happy Woodings xx

Days 110 – 176: excuses and reflections

Well. This is a bit awkward. I seem to have taken an unplanned and unintentional two months off from blogging. I feel as if I owe everyone a bit of an explanation.

The last couple of months have been a bit of everything and nothing. Of course, things have been happening (mostly good with some bad), but as the weeks have passed by nothing has really felt blogworthy. Each time I sat down to write, I faltered. I started questioning whether or not I wanted to continue with it. I’ve been back and forth on it so much, I’m sure Ross and my mum are both sick of me debating with myself over it. Essentially, because this blog means so much to me, I don’t want to ruin it by carrying it on when it’s run its natural course. I’m not sure what its natural end would be, but after Hugo’s birthday, with little on the horizon apart from just being his mum, I wondered whether I’d reached it. Although it’s entitled ‘Life of a Liver Mum’, it is totally centered around Hugo, so when there wasn’t much to say about him I worried that the next post would be bland and boring, and I’d end up ruining something quite special, so I put it off. I worried that starting to write about something other than Hugo might turn it into just another generic mummy blog. Don’t get me wrong, I follow a few of these blogs, and I find them amusing, if a bit ‘trendy’; I just don’t want my blog to trip over and fall unwittingly into that category.

Then there’s the flip side. I truly love writing it. It’s become really precious to me; it’s given me such a source of comfort, an outlet for everything that’s happened this year, and it’s been such a positive thing for me. I know I’ve helped others by sharing our experience; being contacted by other liver mums (or their families) to say thank you has been incredibly touching and humbling. I’ve been contacted, too, by mums who are years further down the line than we are to reassure me that we’ll get there, it’s normal to feel the way we do, everything will be ok. It’s also heart-warming to know that there are so many people (friends, family, nurses and total strangers) invested in Hugo, who encourage me to keep going. And all of that spurs me on to keep doing it.

Even though I haven’t quite decided what to do in the long run, one thing I have decided is that I wouldn’t want to stop writing without actually telling people these reasons. I would want to explain. I’m hoping that I’ve achieved that today. But right now, I’m still not ready to wrap it up for good, so you can take this as a precursory explanation, for when the time does come. It’s quite likely, though, that even if I’m carrying on with the blog, I won’t be posting as much as I have done this year. I have, however, set up a Facebook page to support the blog. Please feel free to find it and follow 🙂

It probably goes without saying that the time I’ve spent away from the keyboard has been a bit up and down. To start with, it was very up. In fact, very little was happening that was worth sharing – which is another excuse for not keeping it up to date. Hugo was making the most of being at home, and I was getting on with being his mum; we were just living our lives. It felt quite normal, and not blogging felt like a part of that. We had our longest ever stretch out of hospital (four glorious months with nothing but scheduled check ups). We had our first holiday with Hugo; a wonderful few days spent in the New Forest with my family. Hugo has come on in absolute leaps and bounds, being a little treasure and giving us so much joy. I may be a tad biased, but I have to say he’s pretty clever. He’s building an increasing repertoire of animal sounds – so far he’s nailed monkey (obvs) cow, snake, lion and, most recently, sheep. He’s becoming increasingly independent – and bossy! He definitely knows how to tell us what he wants. I can only guess who he gets that from… He’s become even more funny and cheeky, if that were even possible. He’s finally sprouted his first teeth. And he crawls! Forwards, not just backwards (as he did for a few weeks). He’s bloody good at it, too, and it fills us with so much happiness seeing him scurry across the floor. My little Mr speedy. Major physical and developmental milestone: smashed. The fact that he decided the perfect time to start crawling was the day before we were due to take him to be admitted back onto Rays of Sunshine ward just made us laugh; his timing, as ever, is impeccable.

Even though we’ve had a great bit chunk of positive and happy in the last two months, the last few weeks have had their fair share of stress and upset. Hugo has been getting really miserable when going to the toilet, something we’re trying (and so far failing) to help him with; even a strong dose of laxative at hospital as part of his bowel prep for a procedure last week hasn’t really helped. It’s really affecting his moods, which is in turn upsetting for us. Thankfully, we’re still getting good glimpses of his happy, cheeky self. It just feels like an unnecessary discomfort for him. Then there’s the blip we’re currently navigating. We spent five days last week admitted on Rays of Sunshine (although it felt like a LOT longer), where Hugo was nil by mouth for four consecutive days for three procedures (MRI, endoscopy and colonoscopy, and a CT scan, all of which involved either a sedative or a general anaesthetic) to look into possible PTLD (as his EBV level shot up to 7 million) and an issue with his portal vein that was picked up at his last clinic appointment at the end of October, as well as a blood transfusion. As much as it was a shock to the system being back in the nursery, it didn’t take long to settle back into it, and it was really lovely to see Gill, Justine, all of the nurses and the rest of the team on the ward. We were also lucky to catch up with some of our liver family friends from our previous stays on the ward. Everyone was so surprised at how big Hugo was, how amazing he looked and how much he’d progressed, so even though I was really bummed to be up there again, I also felt buoyed up by them. I will always feel lucky to have the friendships and trust we’ve built up there.

Despite the week being more stressful that it needed to be, right now things are starting to look up. We heard last night that Hugo’s EBV is now down to about 134,000 (still a high reading, but MUCH improved), and the consultant is happy that he isn’t developing PTLD. It goes without saying this is a HUGE relief; having a potential cancer developing after everything Hugo has been through was really taking it’s toll. We still don’t know what is happening with the vein; it might need intervention or just more close monitoring. This blip isn’t quite over, but we’re feeling on a steadier foot, and I’ve started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve really struggled with this blip, which seems odd as Hugo’s been much, much poorlier in the past, but I guess I’ve felt the effect of that rug being whipped out from beneath us even harder after such a long and happy stint at home. Hugo still isn’t quite right, but he’s getting there – he’s sleeping better (which in turn makes us much happier), his appetite is picking up, and he’s getting happier. And, very importantly, his liver function is – and I quote – “remarkable”. It all helps.

This week, apart from spending pretty much the whole week glued to the phone waiting to hear Hugo’s results, I’ve been reflecting a lot. It was a year ago today that we found out that our two-month-old baby had Biliary Atresia. At the time it was, without a doubt, the worst day of our lives; since then, we’ve had our worst day time and time again. It would be so easy to spend today focusing on the fact that a year ago we essentially lost our healthy baby; a year ago, he became chronically ill. I’ve spent so much time over the last year mourning his health, him being ‘normal’, and not knowing whether he would survive, and it’s made me tired. Instead, I’m going to spend today being thankful for the fact that he’s still here, and in the grand scheme of things, he’s very well. I want to celebrate how far he’s come; how far we’ve come. Celebrate what makes him special – and there is so much that does. The fact he has his daddy’s liver – there aren’t many people out there lucky enough to share something so magical. The fact that he’s proved time and time again that he’s strong, and that he’s made us strong. The fact that he hasn’t been defined by his illness; instead, he’s defined himself with his strength and courage. The fact that a year ago, we suddenly couldn’t see into his future, and now we are living life as we should have been all year. The fact that he’s learning and developing as he should be, in spite of all the obstacles he’s faced. The fact that it’s taken a bloody long time to get to where we are, and it’s still not a smooth ride, but we’re happy.

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My gorgeous family, a year on from diagnosis 🙂

I think all of that is well worth celebrating. Here’s to Hugo – my hero.

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Happy birthday Hugo!

To Hugo

My little man. My squidge. My baby.

Happy birthday! You’re a WHOLE YEAR OLD!

And boy, what a year it’s been…

A year ago, I thought I was ready for you. I didn’t think you’d arrive quite so early, and end up sharing a birthday with your cousin, though. I knew that motherhood was going to be tough, that it would change me. But really, I had no idea; how could we have known what was to come a few weeks after you were born, seemingly a happy, healthy little boy?! Before you came along, I never knew my heart could hold so much love; that I could love in a way that you physically feel, that can make you cry for no reason, can make you feel winded (all in a good way, I should add!) I never knew that my heart could break so badly, into so many pieces. And I never knew that I could be as strong as I’ve been; as I’ve had to be. There’s one thing that’s got me – and your daddy – through it all. That’s you, Hugo.

You’ve been through so much in your 12 months of life, so much more than anyone ever should. And even through the really shitty, tough times, you’ve been incredible. So strong. So resilient. So patient. So inspiring. So much so that, actually, it breaks my heart a little. Because you shouldn’t have had to be all of those things at your tender age.

When I was told to expect you to be a different, much happier, baby after your transplant, I kind of laughed it off a bit. There’s no denying that you were very, very poorly. But you never showed it; you’d already been through four surgeries, five months of steady deterioration and countless weeks spent in hospital, and all with a smile on your face. Even when I was carrying you down for your transplant, when your daddy was already on the operating table, you were smiling away. I honestly couldn’t believe that you could get any happier. But my goodness – they were right! As the days, weeks and months have passed since you got your daddy’s liver, you have become SO different. You’ve become you. Not poorly Hugo, Hugo who lives in hospital, yellow Hugo with a giant belly. Just YOU. My handsome, cheeky, happy, giggly, hungry, loving little boy.

The thing is, while I wish I could change the path your life has taken in so many ways, there is one thing that I would never, ever change, and that’s you. You’ve taken your torrential first year well and truly in your stride. Much better than I have, for sure. Even though you were the one lying in a hospital bed, just about surviving on a failing liver, you kept our spirits up. You kept us laughing, and you kept us loving. You gave us a reason to keep going when everything felt so bleak, and I felt so trapped, that I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. How you’ve been strong enough to get through all that’s been thrown at you, and to do it all with such character, just blows my mind. You’ve been such an inspiration; you’ve taught me so much about life (and about myself), when it should have been the other way round. It’s not how things should have been, but you’ve made me strong enough to face what has to happen in our world now, and for that I feel truly lucky.

And now, you’re becoming a clever, sweet, cheeky, funny, cute, good-natured, charming little boy. You’re learning so much every day, and the excitement you show at each new achievement is just amazing. It doesn’t matter whether we’re just hunkered down at home with the curtains drawn and CBeebies on the box, or whether we’re off out somewhere, you give us so much joy. It’s such a privilege to be your mum, to be the one to spend the days with you. You take my breath away every single day.

So thank you. Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being so strong, so loving, for looking after me, and for making me who I am today. And thank you for being you.

My precious boy - look how far you've come <3
My precious boy – look how far you’ve come ❤

Happy birthday, my darling boy. Here’s to many, many more.

Love you, always

Mummy xxx

Days 94–109: milestones

Hugo turns one in a week!

It’s got my head in a bit of a spin. A year ago, I’d just started maternity leave. I was happily nesting, eating cake and fantasising about what life would be like when my little boy came to greet us, totally oblivious to what the year had in store. Now, looking back, it all feels very surreal; blurry, yet very vivid at the same time. Somehow, time managed to slow down while the year flew by, and now we’re here. We’re nearly 16 weeks post transplant, we’ve been at home and hospital free for nearly three months (the longest EVER – touch wood, of course), and we’re fast approaching his first birthday. I feel like I don’t quite know how we got here.

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Cheeky monkeys

Even though I’m obviously really super mega excited about it, I also feel a tinge of sadness when I look back over his first year. When I think about everything he has had to go through and overcome to get to this point, I can’t help but feel that way; no parent should ever have to question whether their baby will make their first birthday, but as his liver disease progressed, we did. I also feel a bit sad that we can’t throw Hugo a huge party to celebrate. Yes, I know he’s not going to know anything about it, and that throwing a party isn’t something I’d necessarily have done if things had turned out differently for us, but it’s one of the ‘normal’ things that I’m actually a bit miffed that we can’t do this year.

I know I shouldn’t really focus on it. I should just feel happy. But it’s hard not to reflect a bit; it’s just who I am. And honestly, I am INCREDIBLY happy and VERY excited. I also know that actually, we’re very lucky that we’re at home for his birthday (TOUCH WOOD!), as that has never been a given. We’ve made some tentative, weather-dependent plans – a picnic in the park this weekend with friends and family, and a trip to the zoo on his birthday. There will be a monkey cake and balloons, of course. And I know that wherever we spend the day, even if it buckets down with rain (as it has so far this week, grr) and we have to cancel all of our plans, we’re going to have a lovely day, because Hugo will be in it. We can’t fail to have smiles on our faces with him around.

Other than my tendency over the last few weeks to think a bit too much about all of that, things have been really bloody good! We’ve had one full set of blood results back and are awaiting the latest EBV results, but everything – as far as we know – looks good. His LFT’s this week are still all normal, which is fab considering one of his immunosuppression meds was reduced to allow him to fight the EBV. And as for the EBV, it has come down from 2million copies/ml (which was up from 70,000 copies/ml) to 200,000 copies/ml, which they seemed to be happy with (although I don’t actually know what the level should be). They’re continuing with the fortnightly bloods for now, and keeping a close eye on it, as ever.

We’re hoping that he will be going down to monthly bloods very soon, because we’ve had a bit of news from King’s this week. We’ve been given a date for his Hickman line to come out! Obviously, we know from experience not to focus on the date itself, but the fact that it’s booked in is a real positive. It’s not for a couple of months, so we’ve got time to get his bloods stable and to the point that they’re definitely happy for it to go. We’ve found the Hickman line to be such a double-edged sword. On the one hand it has been such a massive relief to have it there, so we’ve not had to hold Hugo down for the doctors to prick him to take bloods or insert cannulas. But on the other hand it’s such a restriction – we can’t give Hugo a proper bath or let him roll around without a vest on, in case he pulls at it (which he tries to do) or gets it wet or dirty; it’s a direct line to his heart and a massive infection risk. So now we can look forward to relaxing around him a bit more, and letting him splash around in water again, but we’ve also got to start taking him to hospital to be pricked for bloods again. It also means another stay at King’s, another surgery and general anaesthetic for Hugo (he’s notched up more operations in his first year than me and Ross put together). Ultimately, though, it’s a really good thing; it’s the last piece of plastic leftover from Hugo being critically ill, the last telltale sign (other than his scar, of course), and it’s going!

Proud of my boy and how far he's come
Proud of my boy and how far he’s come

In other news, Hugo started his physio sessions this week. Aside from us being absolutely soaked from head to toe by a passing white van speeding through a puddle on our way in to the hospital (about which I’m still fuming), and Hugo refusing to roll, prop himself up, or generally move at all while we were there after being a bit freaked out by one of the toys they wanted him to play with, it was pretty good. They went through some exercises for us to incorporate into his playtime to help him start to bear his weight on his legs and develop his core strength, and we’re already seeing a real difference! He can now plant both his feet on the floor with straight legs (before they were always a bit weak and ‘froggy’), and he can hold himself up on in the crawling position all fours on his own. All the while smiling and chuckling away at how exciting it is. I know this is going to sound really stupid, but even though I know that the reason he’s not done any of this yet is because of how long he’s spent in hospital, when I see all the younger babies achieving these milestones months before Hugo it makes me feel a bit of a failure. But hearing from the pros that actually, it’s just a lack of opportunity for Hugo that’s prevented him from doing it so far, and seeing such immediate progress, has really helped to snap me out of that particular mindset. He’s getting more and more motivated to move, and now I actually need him to slow down a little bit as I’ve STILL not baby proofed the flat…

So life, in general, is pretty good right now. We’re carrying on towards our own version of normal. Ross is fully back in the swing of work life, and I’m starting to think about going back to work now too, which fills me with all sorts of excitement and dread. We’ve had days out, nights out, baby playdates and visits from friends. I’ve somehow managed to stick to the exercise, although the weekly pizza has somehow wormed its way back into my diet (little sneak). We’ve got a mini break to the New Forest with the fam to look forward to in a few weeks, thanks to my mum. And Hugo is being a little gem to be with; he’s so happy, so cute, so funny, so lively and so loving, it melts my heart. He’s just so much fun to be around (even when his play starts to get a bit vicious and I lose chunks of my hair in his fists), and he seems to be changing and doing something new every day.

Although he STILL won’t say mumma. He just laughs and says dadda when I try and coax it out of him. He’s a little monkey, but I wouldn’t change him for the world.

Days 59 – 93: three months on and National Transplant Week

It’s hard to believe that Hugo’s transplant was three whole months ago. Where on earth has that time gone?! I realise that I’ve not written a blog, or given a Hugo update, for a while; we’ve had a pretty busy month, and thankfully it’s been without a single trip to hospital. August was officially full of home, fun and making memories. In fact, I think this is actually turning into our longest stretch at home with Hugo ever. Since he’s been born. TOUCHING WOOD!!

Before I get onto the Hugo update, I just wanted to do a bit more canvassing on behalf of the organ donation community. Tomorrow (Monday 7th September) is the start of National Transplant Week. The demand for organs is on the rise, due to a mixture of an aging population, alcohol and obesity. But there are fewer transplants happening; there are three people reportedly dying while waiting on the list every day. According to the British Liver Trust, 96% of us would take an organ if we needed one, but only 29% of the population is on the Organ Donor Register. It just doesn’t feel right; it DOESN’T ADD UP. Ross and I recently watched the BBC documentary, Transplant Tales, and we were shocked to discover that 40% of potential donor organs are refused by the family. This is one of the highest refusal rates in Europe. It’s not enough just to sign yourself up to the register; the NHS relies on your family’s consent to allow them to fulfil your wish. So this week, there is a call for everyone in the UK to discuss organ donation. Sign up to the register, but more than that, tell your loved ones what you would like to happen after you die. Talk about it. Actually, scrap that. Shout about it. Make it clear what your wishes are; one conversation could be the difference between you giving a desperately needed second chance to another family, or that opportunity being missed.

Of course, we didn’t end up needing a donor organ for Hugo. We were lucky enough that we could go down the living donor route. But this doesn’t detract from how we both feel about organ donation; we still lived on the torturous tenterhooks of the waiting list with Hugo for three months. He probably wouldn’t be here with us now, heading with great strides towards his first birthday, if he hadn’t had a transplant. His new liver has absolutely transformed him. We are living now, not just existing, not just waiting and watching.

This is a feeling that is only strengthened by the amazing and incredibly inspirational kids (and their families) we’ve met since we were thrown unexpectedly and unwillingly into the liver world nine months ago. Babies and children who suffer from an array of health problems, whose only chance of survival is to receive a life saving gift from a total stranger. Some of these kids have had their transplant; some are still waiting. We are lucky to be able to count these families as our friends, and watch with absolute joy and awe as they fight, thrive and survive against the odds. We go through their journeys with them, as they share in ours. If you ever needed another reason to sign up, then these kids are it.

We met all of these kids at some point during our various stays at King’s. All of them have had a new liver for different reasons. Eli had an liver disease that was so rare, they had to come up with a name for it – Notch 2 gene related liver disease; Tilly, Sam and Mali all had Biliary Atresia; Jess had pancreaticblastoma, a very rare form of cancer; and Harry had acute liver failure at 11 years old. They are all so strong, and such examples to all of us – all of the above pictures are post-transplant. They, along with anyone who has ever received a new organ, are the faces of National Transplant Week. They are why we need to turn the stats around. 29% of the population on the organ donor register?! It’s not enough.

So please, if there is one thing you do this week, it’s have that chat. And then tell the world. Get on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, and use the hashtag #sayidonate and get people talking. Do it… Please.

As well as it being the start of Transplant Week, Monday also marks another milestone for us. After three months, Ross is declared ‘officially’ recovered and returns to work. He’s done incredibly well – for a man who can’t stand mess, and who happens to be married to a somewhat lazy woman, he must have been chomping at the bit to speed up his recovery at times. And aside from the few instances he’s been told off (both by me, and by King’s), he’s been very patient and let his recovery take priority. We’re both looking forward to him going back to work – it’s another step towards that thing we call ‘normal’, even though we don’t really know what that is anymore. It goes without saying that I’m incredibly proud of him.

As for Hugo… In general, he’s been really well. It’s not been totally smooth (when is it with Hugo?!), but nothing has happened that hasn’t been manageable. When his last bloods came in, the initial results were encouraging – liver function was normal, Tac levels were stable – so King’s told us his bloods would be going to monthly, a really positive step forward. But a few days later, we found out that his EBV DNA was raised. EBV is the virus that causes glandular fever. It is very common, and most people’s natural immune system is enough to keep the virus in check. But in immunosuppressed people, not only can it develop into glandular fever and result in that person being very poorly (and probably in hospital), but it can react with one of the meds and develop into PTLD – post-transplant lymphoproliferative disorder: cancer. King’s have reduced Hugo’s immunosuppressants to allow his body to fight the virus, and told us to watch out even more carefully (although I’m not sure that’s even possible) for signs of illness. This leaves him with a slightly increased risk of rejection, but this is something we’re going to have to get used to – the balance of risks being managed and decided by someone else. We have faith that the team at King’s know their stuff, and are always acting in his best interest. He’s had some repeat bloods now, and we’re just sitting tight for the EBV results. So fingers crossed, everyone!

As much as we feel like we’re settling into our groove now, when it comes to doing stuff with Hugo outside of my immediate comfort zone (that is, being at home, or out with Ross), I’m still struggling a bit. Yes, we’re having loads of fun, living life to the full and we’re making loads of lovely memories, but we’re still doing this within relatively tight boundaries at the moment. I want nothing more than to be able to completely relax and enjoy life as it is, to not worry about whether or not our plans might pose a threat to Hugo. I would LOVE to be a mum who could just take their baby to a social event or play group without a second thought, one who could happily hand her baby round groups of people without having to worry; not only is it good for him in developing his social skills, but he’s becoming such a heavy and wriggly lump now that it’s exhausting keeping hold of him! But I just can’t be that person… not yet, anyway.

Now that we’re starting to get back into (our own version of) normal life, we’re faced with the reality of what Hugo’s disease and treatment means for him, and for us. Although he’s no longer battling with end-stage liver disease, and he’s essentially healthy, he’s still not a ‘normal’ child. His liver disease has not been ‘cured’, it has been (and is still being) treated. On the face of it, he looks totally well, like any other child of his age, so I can understand that people think he’s totally ‘better’. But he’s at much more risk than he seems, and it can be hard to balance that knowledge with functioning in day-to-day life. I’m still too nervous to take Hugo anywhere crowded, so I either don’t take him, or I don’t go. We took him to a family wedding last week, and although the day was beautiful and it was amazing to be out with the family, I could also feel myself becoming increasingly anxious as the day went on; once he was at home being babysat for the evening, I finally felt able to relax. It still felt too soon. I’m slowly getting better at rationalising the risks and my need to be in control. I don’t feel myself physically tensing up when I sense a risk anymore – not as much, anyway – but I’m still a complete slave to antibac. The thing is, I know that as time goes on, he’s going to go off to nursery, to school, to work, and I’m not going to be able to protect him in the way that I can now. I’m just going to have to figure out a way to deal with that as and when the time comes, but for now I’ll keep doing what I can to protect him.

Anyway, Hugo’s really thriving in his own environment now. He’s a bit behind where he might have in his development been at this age, but I think that’s totally expected given how long he has spent in hospital beds during his short life so far. But he’s catching up incredibly well; at their recent visit, the local Occupational Therapist was surprised at how well he was doing, as his referral from King’s had suggested that he would need a lot of attention from them. He needs some physiotherapy; although he is rolling now, he needs some help in developing his leg strength to start crawling and standing. He is always trying to move about, so I’m sure once he’s shown how he’ll be off (that reminds me, I really need to baby proof the flat…) He’s taken to teething on my chin – something that’s becoming increasingly painful as his teeth get closer to coming through (any day now, we hope – he’s still 100% gummy bear at the moment!), but I love it all the same. He’s turned into a total chatterbox (dada, nana, bla bla, no and blowing raspberries are his favourites. Not mumma, of course), and he’s developed some incredibly cheeky characteristics. He knows when he’s being cheeky – he has a telling glint in his eye. It’s beautiful.

As the days go by Hugo is becoming more and more our baby, rather than our baby with a liver transplant. For so much of his short life, he has been defined by what he has been going through, and it feels as though we’ve finally turned a corner with this. Yes, it’s still a major part of him – it always will be, and we have absolutely no problem with that. But it’s just a part of him now, rather than being his all. He’s just gone from strength to strength over the last few weeks, even with a virus lurking in the background. I’m just so proud.

I love my famalam
I love my famalam

Days 48–58: back to reality

We are now just over eight weeks post transplant. That time has just flown by in such a whirlwind. We’re over the initial, really crucial first six weeks, and Hugo is doing so well (touch wood, fingers crossed etc. As always.) We’re not yet in a position to relax the rules though; following those is what has got him this far. It’s been over two weeks since Hugo’s last hospital admission, which is just incredible. I can’t remember the last time we’ve been this long in our own environment! Life in general continues to get better, more ‘normal’ (urgh), but that’s not to say we haven’t had our struggles.

The boys had their scheduled liver reviews at the start of the week (I don’t count this as a hospital admission). Hugo had the usual – bloods, ultrasound and examination. The ultrasound was vastly improved; the amount of fluid in the abdomen around the cut surface of the liver is now tiny, and the blood flows are even better than before. There were no concerns from the doctor, and we’ve still (seven days on) not had his blood results. I’m taking no news as good news on this one; something I hope doesn’t prove to be naivety on my part. We also had Hugo’s weigh in, and the little man has done amazingly well. He’s now just shy of 9kg, and is on the 43rd centile for his age. For a liver kid, that’s pretty awesome. We saw the dietician, and she was full of praise; she said that the work that we put into weaning Hugo before his transplant has really paid off, as he’s eating really, really well. It was a massive relief for both of us.

Ross’s review was straightforward. He had his blood tests and a chat with the surgeon, and was sent on his way. He’ll need one more appointment and an ultrasound within the next few weeks, but then it’s pretty much a case of “see you in a year”. His liver will be pretty much back to full size now. Looking back, it really feels like transplant day could have been yesterday, not two months ago, and the fact that his liver has regenerated already is mind blowing. Ross has done amazingly with his recovery. It’s not been easy; he started doing a bit too much too soon, so he got a bit of a telling off at hospital and was told to take a step back to get a bit more R&R in. I think he’s (understandably) got a bit of cabin fever from being at home so much; he’s not been at work, and been physically restricted by his recovery so not been able to get back to his social life quite yet. But he’s nearly there now. He’s been far more patient than I could have been!

At the moment I’m finding life quite surreal. I’ve ended up seeing the last few months from different perspectives, which has been a bit eye opening. I spent one lunchtime while Hugo was napping scrolling back through my photos, enjoying all the happy memories we’ve created since being home… And then I hit the pre-transplant photos. They really shocked me. That probably sounds weird – I was there the whole time, so I knew how ill Hugo was, what he looked like. But that’s the thing. I was there the WHOLE time. I witnessed the progressive deterioration and saw the change gradually, over a matter of days, weeks and months. Unlike others (including Ross) who weren’t there 24/7, and would see a big change in his colour or belly size when they came up to London, I didn’t experience that. I never really had that shock while he was poorly. So when I was scrolling back and saw just how massively distended his stomach was, and how yellow he was – particularly his eyes – I was in shock. I could finally understand why people would sometimes be visibly affected by seeing him. I’m glad that I didn’t see him that way when he was that poorly; I don’t think I’d have coped at all well if I had. It makes me even prouder of how far he has come.

What a contrast!
What a contrast!

Then, on Thursday, we caught up with a BBC documentary called Transplant Tales. It really hit me hard, actually. I didn’t expect it to; I mean, we’ve lived it after all. But seeing it from the outside in was very strange – the wait, the uncertainty, the fear, the nerves of being taken into surgery. It all resonated very deeply. They even had a cancelled living donation transplant due to illness! I’ve done a fair bit of campaigning, of raising awareness, of the organ donor register since we were thrown into this – something that has been really well received through the blog, with friends, family and strangers all signing up (thank you, everyone!) – and this programme just highlighted yet again how important it is. In the last year the amount of people on the waiting list was higher than ever, but the amount of suitable organs available had fallen. People are dying on the waiting list. It just doesn’t add up. I get that people will have their reasons for not being on it, but I’ve also heard people say that they don’t think their organs would be usable. My response to that is – let the NHS decide! Sign up, and give them the option. You never know what you have that might save someone’s life.

Anyway, it’s been a bit tough. I think I’ve had a bit of an adrenaline crash – the massive high of being home has slowly petered down to just being in normal life, and as amazingly wonderful that is, during the high I wasn’t really conscious of the massive adjustment period I was in. Adjusting to being back home, living with Ross again, getting used to Hugo’s new routines, being both back in control again but now also having to share the control and responsibilities with Ross – all of them have taken their toll a bit.

I’m also on a mission to try and lose the weight I gained in hospital, and have found weaning myself off the diet I had up there has been harder than I thought; in theory, I want to go back to healthy, home cooked food, but in reality all I want is chips, pizzas and burgers. The carb withdrawal hasn’t been great for my mood, and I probably (definitely) haven’t been very nice to live with, but nine days in now and I think I’ve passed that period of grumpy hunger. I’ve also started exercising at a place called Boost (run by a friend) with my sister. It’s bloody hard work (especially since it’s been about 18 months since I last bothered to get off the sofa for anything other than a snack), but so far it’s also been really enjoyable. I’m getting a kick out of knowing that I’m doing something positive to help myself. None of that takes away from the fact that diets pretty much suck though, and I do spend a fair amount of time each day (and night) dreaming about pizza.

I guess it’s just life taking it’s course again. For pretty much this whole year, I didn’t have my own life; I had only one focus and that was getting Hugo a new liver. Now that’s happened, and we’ve had a really good stretch of him being stable and well, life has cropped back up again. It’s unsettled me a bit.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not unhappy. Yes, it has at times been harder than I thought. I’ve been stressed and not the best company. But I’m LOVING being home. We’ve had some blooming wonderful days together, and a few firsts for Hugo. He had his first go on a slide on a family day out in Canterbury (he LOVED it!), he rolled over properly, he nearly said his first word this morning (“dadda”. There goes my determination that his first word would be “mumma”. Or “liver”), he went in his big boy car seat, and he met his (now four month old) cousin for the first time (he couldn’t keep his eyes off him!) We’ve spent lovely, long, lazy days at home, and had meandering family days out; just enjoying being together with no restrictions. I’ve caught up with friends over a few beers (and been gifted one or two hungover lie-ins), and we’ve spent some lovely days in the sunshine with sisters, babies, grandparents. Hugo continues to giggle and gurgle, and smiles his way through his day. It just takes one look at him to remember that actually, everything will be ok.

Days 37–47: new blood

I reckon some people won’t believe the U-turn we took after my last post. I almost feel a bit reluctant to write about the good side of life at the moment, in case I’m jinxing it. But then, I guess, if I were to follow that line of superstition I’d have driven myself so mad I’d have been sectioned by now.

We lasted about four hours after the last blog was posted before we were on our way back to QEQM with Hugo. Yes, I know. You can’t make this shit up. Thankfully, this time we had only short, if a bit too frequent, stays in hospital. And even more thankfully, something totally random allowed us to catch a brewing blip extra early.

On the Saturday, Hugo wasn’t quite himself – not quite so happy, a bit more lethargic, a bit whinier than usual. But it was a scorching hot day, so you could forgive him. And anyway, we’re all allowed an off day every so often. But we started to worry as every time we picked him up, he screamed in pain. We had Ross’s sister, Amy, over to spend some proper quality time with Hugo (and to have some bubbly with me), and as we were giving him his wash (normally his happiest and most excitable time of day), he was inconsolable. Crying to the point of exhaustion. We examined his underarms, and noticed that he was slightly red and swollen on his right side – the side where his Hickman line is. A quick phone call to Rays later, and we were on our way over to Rainbow.

in hospital
Back in hospital. Sigh.

Without wanting to sound all self-pitying about it (that’s not my style), I really did feel a bit fed up at that moment that every time I’ve tried to plan something for me, it doesn’t happen because we end up in hospital. Ross tells me that it will get better, that I will get my life back, but it can feel pretty bleak at times. I guess it’s all part of this journey, and I know that Ross is right, really (don’t tell him, though!) My mum told me to try and think longer term, essentially backing up what Ross had said; things WILL get easier, we WILL get our lives back. It’s just a case of WHEN. We’re still only just out of the eye of the storm, so we can’t expect it to happen just yet. And even though I know that, it can still be pretty deflating to keep losing my grip on having a life and to go back to hospital life.

We ended up only being at hospital for about 3 hours that night. Hugo perked up loads on the way over, and the redness and swelling had faded by the time we got there. Typical of Hugo, really. They gave him a thorough check over, x-rayed to check the line was in the right place, checked it was flushing and working properly, and took some routine bloods and line cultures (the immediate worry with anything unusual at the moment is a line infection). Everything seemed fine – his liver function tests had all come back ok, there was just the full blood count to come back, so we went back off home. The doctors said they would ring if anything was amiss.

And of course, at 8am the following morning, the phone rang. Hugo’s CRP (infection markers) was high. It should be below 10, but his was 116. They wanted him back ASAP for further bloods, observations and probably to start him on IV antibiotics, even though he had no signs of an infection – usually he has a temperature, but this time there was nothing. King’s wanted him started on antibiotics on Sunday after the CRP was even higher at 166, so we settled in to the room expecting to be there for a week. On the Monday, his CRP had come back down to 116, and the nurse told us that the antibiotics were just once a day, so we could actually take him home and have him treated there! He had a total of five days of antibiotics, and by the Thursday his CRP was down to 30 so King’s were happy that they had done their job. We had managed to nip it in the bud again, even though we didn’t suspect an infection when we took him to hospital; all the while these markers were raised, he still didn’t show any signs of infection – no temperatures, he wasn’t off his food (he even enjoyed his first hospital meal on the Monday, and we all know how rank they are), no cough, no cold. It was weird – where was the infection?!

Unfortunately, it turned out that the infection (we never discovered where it was, by the way) wasn’t the only thing we had to contend with last week. About two hours after we got Hugo home on the Monday, QEQM rang to say that his haemoglobin (HB) was really low, and that he needed an urgent overnight blood transfusion. Obviously, this was a really scary thing to be told. I took Hugo back over, and he had repeat bloods in the early evening. The sample eventually came back and it wasn’t as low as they had thought (it was 68 instead of 55; they want it about 70); the earlier bloods must have been contaminated, or diluted. They thought he would probably need a transfusion, but it wouldn’t happen overnight. So, again, I packed him off back home.

We eventually heard quite late on the Tuesday that King’s did want Hugo to have a transfusion the following day, as his HB had dropped to 66. By the time we’d been told this, the community nurse had been out to take more bloods, and shortly after speaking to QEQM they were back to take YET MORE bloods for the cross match. Now, I don’t know if it’s just me, but this seems totally stupid. Hugo had bloods taken on Saturday, Sunday, twice on Monday and twice on Tuesday. I mean, REALLY? No wonder his HB was dropping – they weren’t leaving him with anything!

Hugo had his blood transfusion on the Wednesday. It took about 3 hours, so we were there and back within a day. And he responded amazingly. His bilirubin had come back as normal on the Tuesday, which is excellent, but the community nurse thought he still looked a bit sallow, a bit pale. As soon as he’d been pumped full of fresh B+ blood he turned the most perfect, gorgeous colour. Pale pink, with rosy cheeks. We finally, for the first time in his life, know what colour our baby should be. We now have a benchmark for him. And not only did he look amazing, he became so much happier and full of energy. I know, I keep saying this is improving. But it really, really is.

Happily, the transfusion has boosted him so much that we haven’t needed to take him back in. So even though we’ve had a blip, since his discharge from King’s on July 1st, the time we’ve spent at home is currently outweighing the time spent in hospital. Hugo’s cheeky character is really starting to shine through now, and he’s doing new things all the time. He pulls funny faces at us. He is almost rolling, and is figuring out how to move to get what he wants. He dives upside down and chuckles with so much glee that I cry with laughter. He comes out on trips to town, for lunch or just a mooch, and is (almost) always as good as gold. He even let us both go out for Ross’s cousins 30th birthday; Ross’s dad and step-mum came to babysit, and instead of us ending up in hospital, we actually made it out. Ross had to take it very easy, of course, whereas I allowed myself to get a bit glammed up and let my hair down for the first time in months. It felt good… Ok I didn’t feel quite so good the next day! But I was buzzing from just getting out and seeing all the family, from having some normality, so it was worth the hangover.

After his transfusion, we saw a blood transfusion practitioner, and she spoke to us all about blood. The whole blood donation process is incredible – another amazing part of our NHS and what it does. There are so many things that you don’t even consider when you’re being treated by our medical system, that you take for granted. She told us that blood bags are measured into two sizes: neonatal, and adult. Nothing for paediatrics, nothing for those between three months and 18 years – not in our area, anyway. So although Hugo only needed 100ml of blood, his bag was the standard adult size of 300ml. The other 200ml has to go to waste. I very naively thought that the blood was stored in some kind of barrel, and they siphoned off what they needed. Donated blood also only lasts for 35 days. That feels like a really, really short period of time. It feels like there was potentially so much being wasted, which just makes the whole donation system even more valuable.

As soon as we got home from Hugo’s transfusion, we signed up to donate blood. I’ve never done it before as I’m rather squeamish – I hate even having blood tests. But I’ve kind of had to put all of that to one side while being in hospital with Hugo. And anyway, even if I didn’t feel a bit better about the actual process, the fact that Hugo has had so many blood products, and a few transfusions, it’s a no brainer to both Ross and me now. We then found out that there was a blood drive in Deal the following Monday, which happened to be our second wedding anniversary. We thought it was the ideal way to spend the day; to give a bit back to a system that has saved our boy countless times. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get down there, but we’ve got the next date in our diaries and we’re both really excited about starting our donations.

If my blog can achieve anything, it’s to encourage people to buy into the amazing NHS that we have. To help raise awareness, to get people to sign up to the organ donor register, and to give blood. So many people being treated in our hospitals rely on the generosity of others, and sometimes it takes it being so close to home to really highlight the importance of it. Of course, I now wish I’d donated blood for the last twelve years. But I haven’t. And I’m not going to waste my energy regretting that. Rather, I’m going to do something – I’m going to give blood. I know Hugo would give a huge high five to anyone else doing the same.

Days 15–36: little things make all the difference

When your life is whipped out from beneath you, when you take your child to hospital for something relatively ‘simple’, expecting to take them home within a week only to be told that actually, you can’t, everything remains in a spin for quite some time. Living in hospital is a totally surreal existence, one that can only really be understood by those who have done it. I certainly became totally institutionalised up at King’s; barring two days at home and two days at QEQM we were there for 73 days, so I guess it isn’t really surprising.

Happily, we’re now back at home again. And Hugo has lasted an amazing ten days so far! Ok, we’ve spent two days at King’s in this time, but this was planned prior to his discharge. The team at King’s never figured out exactly what was behind his blip, despite all of the tests and scans. He seems to be over it, whatever it was. But because they didn’t diagnose, they couldn’t say for sure that it was dealt with, so they were nervous packing us back off home. Totally understandable. However, I had become rather desperate to get him out of there by then – he wasn’t receiving any treatment at that stage, only four-hourly obs by the nurses – so at ward round on Wednesday we pushed for discharge on the agreement that I would drive him up to London for day clinics whenever they wanted. And they agreed.

What a difference a month makes...
What a difference a month makes…

To start with, being back home was almost as surreal as living on the hospital ward. I had to find my feet again. It’s been a bit scary being away from the security blanket that the ward had become – and I’ll admit that I miss being there a little bit. Not in the sense that I want to go back; obviously, I don’t! But it became very familiar and I felt like I formed some real friendships up there (I’ve caught myself talking like some of the nurses, so I must have been around them for too long), so it’s strange not being around those faces and surroundings anymore. I’ve also been a bit nervous of getting too comfortable, just in case something else was to happen. But thankfully, things, so far, have been good. Really good.

There are so many things that I didn’t realise how much I had missed, how much I would appreciate when I got home. Little things that make all the difference. Such as…

  • Eating off a plate. Ok, that’s really boring. But it’s something I didn’t get in hospital – the canteen food came in polystyrene tubs and the ward only provided paper plates and plastic cutlery. Sure, I’d eat away from the hospital as much as possible, but even then you weren’t guaranteed a plate; burger on a board, anyone?! Chips in a mug?! NO. JUST NO. Put it on a plate, please.
  • Fresh, home cooked food. Mostly, anyway; I was pleased to see that the local pizza takeaway still had my number stored on their system. Having a fridge full of fresh food, and not having to label it ‘Hugo Wooding Bed 6’, is blooming lovely. I’m not even bothered with the washing up, something I NEVER used to do – it’s a symbol of normality to me, and I’m actually enjoying it… a little bit, anyway.
  • Being near my friends again. I’ve missed so much of their lives – growing babies, moving away, changing jobs; just life carrying on in general. It’s nice to finally feel like we’re back in the fold a bit. Everyone has been so excited for us to be back, but also really understanding of our restrictions at the moment, so we feel incredibly supported and very lucky. Which makes the whole transition a lot easier.
  • Living with my husband. Even though we spent as much time as we could together while we were at King’s, it felt a bit like we were back to dating – we’d spend a few hours together, maybe go for dinner, then we’d go and sleep in different places. It was a weird place to be in after seven years together, and it only really hit me how bloody awful it had been when I got back. Ross is still recovering, and is doing really well; his secret abs are healing (during his surgery, they discovered that his core muscles were actually really tight. Abs. They were a bit surprised, though, as no-one could see them…) and he’s getting stronger every day. Having some quality family time, on our own, and seeing my boys play together after everything they’ve been through is the best feeling in the world.
  • Having freedom. Having variety. Having my own transport. Not having to ask permission to take Hugo out for an hour. Being in charge again. Something that I definitely took for granted before, and something that I now appreciate more than anything. And we’ve certainly been making the most of it with slow walks and lazy days going where we want, when we want. Bliss.

Then, of course, there’s Hugo. Where do I start?! Well, first off, Hugo’s two day appointments at King’s were just that – DAY appointments. We’ve spent every night since being home in our own beds. His bloods are going in the right direction – his bilirubin is now nearly back to normal, his Gamma GT is now below 200, which is the best yet since transplant, although there’s still a way to go. His other key liver function tests are all within normal range, and his scan was fine. His colour is really good, his eyes are becoming beautifully clear, his poos are still nice and dark, and his pee clear. So far, so good.

Aside from Hugo’s clinical wellness, he has made one other major step forward since coming home. He drinks! Actually, he doesn’t just drink – he guzzles. We decided to try adding Nesquik to his milk last Wednesday, just to see whether it really was, as we suspected, the flavour that he didn’t like. And hey presto – just like that he started feeding, and he hasn’t looked back. He’s not even that bothered by taking his meds orally now. In fact, he’s doing so well that on Saturday, 116 days since we first started the NG feeding and 36 days post transplant, we took the tube out! This was a massive milestone for us – we didn’t think it would be out so soon. His feeding has been one of the biggest struggles we’ve had through all of this, and we’d have been happy if he was feeding and we could take the tube out by his first birthday in September, so for him to achieve it so soon is just incredible. And it’s made a huge difference to him, too.

Hugo has always been a happy boy. But his happiness has reached new levels, and losing the tube is a huge part of that. When he sees his bottle, instead of screaming and getting freaked out he goes crazy with excitement. Mealtimes have become so much more fun, as we don’t have to worry about him getting puree all over his tube tape; we can relax with him. He’s trying new flavours every day, and he’s even starting to eat some of the food I’ve made him. If he sees a Dairylea triangle, a yoghurt pot or a banana, he goes totally beserk. He HAS to have it fed to him NOW. He CAN’T wait, it HAS to be NOW. He’s a right little chunky bum, and it’s amazing. It feels like we really have our baby boy back now; he was always such a gannet in the first couple of months of his life, and we lost that part of him for a while. He has done us so, so proud.

Hugo is, in fact, so happy now that he won’t take naps. Even when he is clearly shattered, as soon as we put him into his bed he wakes up, ready to play. I genuinely think it’s because he now feels so well, he doesn’t want to lose any hours in the day to sleep. He has a jam-packed schedule of bouncing in his jumparoo, learning to roll (he’s really, really nearly there) on the play mat, sitting up, watching cartoons (normally Peppa Pig, which I absolutely love), flying, chatting, and laughing his head off to do. There’s just no more time for sleep.

I keep having to pinch myself to believe that this is our life at the moment; it seemed so far away at times, and every time it was nearly within my grasp it slipped away again. I know it may not last indefinitely; he’s going to face challenges as the days, weeks and months go on. But right now, this is what I imagined being a mum would be. He’s home, he’s happy and he’s thriving, and it makes the last few months so, so worth it.

My happy family :)
My happy family 🙂

Days 14 – 24: follow your instincts!

I’m starting this blog with a couple of apologies, I’m afraid. I’m sorry (again) for the huge delay in between posts, but Hugo has been keeping me on my toes more than usual – if that were even possible! I’m also going to apologise in advance for this one. You will know that I’ve made a real effort to stay as positive as possible during this whole journey, in my blog and in real life. But the last ten days have been tough.

It actually started off really, really well. Hugo was discharged from King’s on day 14 – just two weeks after his op! When Natalie, our nurse, told me a couple of days before that this was the plan, I burst into (happy) tears on her. It was really surprising, as I was expecting to be there for a month PT; the average recovery time is about three weeks, and it can often be longer if they are very poorly beforehand, like Hugo was, and have severe ascites, like Hugo did. So to be told after two weeks that he was well enough to go was just staggering. I’ll be honest – I felt it was too soon, but if they really thought he was well enough then we were happy to take it!

When Friday came, I packed up the house and the bed space, hugged everyone in sight, gave lots of people wine and cake, and eventually made it off the ward with my sister in law and her other half to make the journey home. Being back home after nine weeks away was really surreal – I had become so used to living in a tiny bed space with no privacy and just a curtain for a wall, I forgot how big my flat really was! I cried as soon as Amy and Dan had left – I was just so relieved to be back.

My boys happy to be back together

For the most part, being at home was totally and utterly lush. We didn’t unlock the front door for the weekend (apart from to let in a bit of shopping – after two months of solidly eating crap I was craving something fresh and home cooked). We did very little apart from getting used to our new routine and getting on with some proper playing. And actually, Hugo’s meds weren’t too daunting at all – they’re far easier than they were pre-transplant, at any rate! Hugo looked a bit bemused by the jumparoo, but soon remembered how much fun it was. I caught up on Hollyoaks (yes, trashy I know, but I love it) and lazed on the sofa with Ross, a Bud and a box of maltesers (which, I realised, taste so much better out of a box than out of a bag! Anyone ever notice that?!) Hugo slept amazingly well in his own bed, and I slept amazingly well in mine. I had marmite on toast for the first time in two months – a little thing, yes, but a luxury to me. Ross was thrilled to have his boy home for his first ever Father’s day. I got back in the kitchen and cooked dinner for us and for Hugo for the first time in months. Unfortunately, Hugo’s become too accustomed to jarred foods now, which I’m really gutted about; I love cooking and had planned to cook all of Hugo’s food when it came to weaning, so I was really excited about making him something fresh and delicious. But no, he hated it. Cheers, son!

Tea in a proper mug, and marmite on toast. The breakfast of dreams.
Not totally sure about the jumparoo yet!

I say it was perfect for the most part. Ross was still really fragile by the time we got home (let’s not forget that he was only two weeks post-op, too), so wasn’t able to lend a hand getting stuck in with any of the chores. Obviously, that’s completely to be expected and I was totally fine with it, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the relentlessness of the tasks at hand – tending to Hugo (including meds, feeding, playing, changing stinkybums, bathing, settling overnight etc), unpacking, doing washing, cooking, clearing up, washing up… those who know us will know that Ross is a very, VERY hands-on husband. He does a huge amount around the house (yes, I’m very lucky!) So going from being in the hospital environment, with nurses buzzing around to lend a hand 24 hours a day, to being at home without that support was a bit of a shock to the system.

On Sunday, Hugo was a tad unsettled. We put it down to the change in routine and environment, but I started to keep a close eye. He was feeling a bit warm, so I started to check his temperatures. It was going a bit high, but not to worrying levels. In the evening he was happy and chirpy again, giving us lots of laughs during his bathtime and going to bed happy. But from about 10pm, he started crying, and he didn’t stop – all night. In the middle of the night, he was radiating heat, so I checked again, and he had spiked to 38.3. So on Monday morning (day 16), two days after getting Hugo home, I was packing the car back up and getting ready to head back over to QEQM.

Even though I knew there were going to be bumps in the road (it was only Sunday afternoon that I was on the phone to my sister saying how I was expecting it, that it was nothing to be frightened of, etc), I didn’t handle Monday well. At all. I was almost at the anxiety attack stage – crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stand. To be honest, I hadn’t expected us to be heading back to hospital quite so quickly, even though I had felt that we had been discharged slightly too early. It didn’t help that I was totally sleep deprived. Or that I had decided to leave the washing up from Sunday. Or that I thought Hugo looked a tinge yellow again, that his belly looked a tad bigger, and his pee a teensy tiny bit too dark – something I think Ross and my mum didn’t quite agree with, but the gut feeling – the instinct – was there; Hugo wasn’t right, and I couldn’t shake it. I called my mum quite early to come and help (she is affectionately known as “pot wash” at both mine and my sister’s houses), so she got on with the leftover chores and allowed me to prepare, and by the time we left I had got myself together a bit.

Crazy-hair Hugo, not looking too fussed about being back at QEQM

We spent one night at QEQM, which is pretty much a blur. They were really good when we got there – took Hugo straight into a room so he wasn’t exposed to the other kids on the ward, did his vitals and his bloods early, and left us to wait. About six hours down the line – by which time one of the lovely nurses, Jess (who actually used to work on Rays), had ushered me off to the parents room round the corner to get some sleep; she could see how I wasn’t coping and even though she wasn’t looking after Hugo, she really stepped in to help – the doctor came back with some results and started Hugo on IV antibiotics. The worry was that he had an infection, and his bile-related liver markers (bilirubin and Gamma GT) had both increased; his bili had riseen from 19 (normal levels) to 68. So I wasn’t going crazy when I thought he was yellower! The plan was 48 hours of IV antibiotics and then hopefully, he’d be ok to go back home.

However. As always. This is, of course, Hugo. He doesn’t follow a plan. He actually responded really well to the antibiotics; he slept amazingly well on Monday night, and was much perkier on Tuesday. But, on Tuesday evening, his poo went white. Not just pale – WHITE. And not just one nappy – three. I lost it; I went from an almost anxiety attack on Monday morning to a full blown panic induced meltdown. The first thing that entered my head was that it was all happening again. We’ve spent the last six months pretty much just focused getting Hugo through, getting him to the point where he was able to start being well, and he wouldn’t have the fated pale poo anymore, and suddenly they were back. I think my heart actually stopped for a few seconds when I saw it. I’m sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but it’s the only way I can describe it. The thought of having to do it all again was heartbreaking. The worry about what it could mean, and not knowing whether his new liver was ok, was just crippling. The doctor phoned King’s straight away, and when he came in to say King’s wanted Hugo back, I was actually relieved. I knew he needed to be back there. The fact that they decided to transport him by ambulance in the middle of the night was perhaps a bit unnecessary. Amy brought Ross over to QEQM so that I wasn’t on my own all evening, and he brought some more things for me to take to London (again, I had two t-shirts, and this time Hugo had pooed all down one of them). I was just so happy to see him; he gives me such strength, even just by being with us. It was the little boost I needed.

We arrived back at King’s at about 4am on Wednesday morning (day 18), and it was pretty much straight back to business. I was still shattered, but I immediately felt more secure. My mum dropped her plans and came up, as she has done every week since we’ve been here. The woman is my rock. Even though I’m happier here than at QEQM, it’s still not been easy. Because they’ve been trying to diagnose what is behind the white poo, they’ve had to do various investigations on Hugo; biopsies, MRI scans, abdiominal taps, all of which require him to be nil by mouth for a minimum of six hours. And many of which have been cancelled at the last minute (biopsies), or failed (MRI). They thought it was a stricture, a swelling or blockage of the bile ducts; it’s not. They thought it could be a possible bile leak (which is serious, and would require more surgery); it’s not. They’ve not yet investigated rejection, which surprises me, although I have faith in their thought process. And although I have faith in them, I found it incredibly hard having to starve my baby boy for four days running. Today is a fifth day nil by mouth, as they thought he still needed a biopsy, but we’ve just been told it isn’t happening again.  I’ve tried to see their reasoning, but I’ve had a couple of breakdowns about it. And as much as they understand, they can’t put him at risk just to placate my instincts as his mum.

 

Happy Hugo at King’s
  

Daddy’s beard is a legitimate toy

Now, we’re on day 24. Ross is up in London with us (my mum took the train home on Friday afternoon so she could drive him up on Saturday. Seriously. She’s my rock), so I’m feeling stronger than I have been. We had a family dawdle out on Saturday (Ross can’t go any faster yet!) which lifted all of our spirits. The glass of prosecco certainly helped mine! Hugo seems to be doing well, despite still not knowing what happened; Hector (his surgeon) said we may well not know what caused this particular blip. That’s fine by me, if we get past it. From what they have been saying, it sounds like he was possibly brewing an infection, which caused an inflammation in his bile ducts and has now been dealt with by the antibiotics. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway. His colour and his belly both seem to have improved, his pee is nice and clear and his poo has been lovely and yellow/brown/orange for three days now. He has been chuckling away at the most random things – the blue curtain, Ross pretending to be Daddy Pig, a chair. It definitely feels like he’s better. And I feel better for it. But I know the doctors won’t let him back home again until they are confident that they have treated whatever it is, or that it has righted itself. So he’s been treated for infection with IV antibiotics for a week now – that’s one possible cause dealt with. I did ask why they couldn’t just treat for both infection and rejection; it’s because they are at opposite ends of the spectrum for treatment. Infection requires antibiotics. Rejection requires steroids, which suppresses the immune system. So if he did have an infection, and they gave the steroid, they could well make him sicker. They really have always got his back.

I think the hard thing this week has been being suddenly thrusted back into the unknown, the unexpected. To know that something was up with Hugo, but not what it was or what could be done. Going home was such a high, but the week that followed has been such a huge crash that I’ve not coped at all well. We were the closest we’ve been since April to having our lives back. Being home consists of so many little things – not living out of a suitcase, having space and toys for Hugo, being able to eat well and have proper tea again – together, they make a massive difference to daily life. Hugo also turns nine months old today, too, and I think that has had an effect on me. My maternity leave is essentially up, but I’m nowhere near able to go back to work. I’ve been reflecting on the maternity leave I’ve had, and I feel really sad about it. I’ve spent most of it in hospital with Hugo, which wasn’t part of the plan at all. We’ve not been able to do anything that we had dreamed of doing, and it feels really unfair. I’ve tried really hard not to let myself rue the situation and what we’ve missed out on, as it’s totally out of our control, but it’s hard to keep that up all the time. Hugo has given us a huge amount of joy during his nine months, yes, and we really do feel very lucky that he is our baby. But this last week I’ve also felt the grief for the life we have lost. I just want to get to the stage where we’re home for more time than we’re at hospital, able to enjoy our family life, and to just be happy again.

He really is mummy’s little tough guy

I know that, actually, we’re not in a different situation than we would have been had we not been discharged on day 14. I expected to still be here at this point in time. But it’s that blasted rollercoaster again. I had my home life within my grasp, and as much as we loved our weekend at home, it being so short lived was a blow. I’m relieved that I followed my gut again, though, and that they started treating him early. Instinct is a powerful thing, and I’m glad that’s one thing I don’t have to leave up here when we do eventually get out of King’s for Hugo’s homecoming #2… although this time, I’m definitely going to smuggle one of the nurses home with us as well. You just can’t be too careful, and I know my little flirty Bertie boy would love it!